Someone Call Dr. Phil

My child is beating me.

Well not like the kid here (cause he'd be in a coffin today) but my kid has ramped up her "Punch Buggy" game, and, as comedian Kevin Hart would say, "It's. About. Ta Go. Down."

You know the game. Anytime you see a Volkswagen Beetle/Bug (whatever), you punch your neighbor in the arm and yell, "Punch Buggy [color]!! No punch-back!"* You point out the car, and laugh your head off while the victim rubs his or her arm and gives you a dirty look. It's usually a game played between siblings in an effort to liven up a long, boring car ride, but not in my case. My daughter is the current, reigning (self-proclaimed) champion. And she's on a rampage. Any person in any car is fair game--so I'm telling you now, beware.

Here's the problem with Loo. She never stops playing. She is always looking, always searching. She's lightning fast and she punches HARD. Those little fists can create quite a jolt of pain..and it LINGERS. I think she watches every car that goes by, because I don't think she misses one. EVER. What's worse, she cheats. I don't think it's fair that she gets to punch me when we pass the house on the corner--that VW is there everyday--and the one near the school, too--those shouldn't count. But she punches me anyway. And then sometimes, she'll just punch me and yell "Punch Buggy" even when there isn't one. Now if THAT'S not cheating, I don't know what is.

This morning she was spottin' um left and right. She got me 3 times on the way to school, and I mean it hurt. See, when I spot a punch-buggy, I at least consider her arm pain, bruises, etc. You know, I soften the blow a little. But nuh-uh... no more. That kid is leaving marks! So this morning, after the first hit, I decided I would get her back. Whewwwee! I was planning to light her arm UP! I tried to focus on the cars that were coming in the opposite direction, but I couldn't. It's too hard to be on the lookout and drive at the same time. So much so that even while I was searching/driving, she found two more that I didn't even see until they were in my rear view mirror and my arm was on fire.

So for real, I am plotting my revenge. Maybe a VW Beetle sales lot. I'll just drive around, and we'll see who racks up more punches. I've also considered buying one and driving by her school during lunch time so that her friends can "punch buggy" HER for me.. That's right, punch-buggy by proxy. Maybe I'll plot a punch-buggy day. I'll post on craigs-list, asking people who own VW Beetles to drive down my street. I'll pick that day to chill outside with Loo... Ha ha, punch-buggy GALORE!

Look, don't judge me, ok? I'm not a bad mom. It's not like I want to hit her because I'm angry, or because we have some crazy, dysfunctional relationship. This is strategy. It is revenge. It's game playing at its finest. And I have put her on notice. So don't be surprised if you see me, Loo and The Boss** driving down the street, with Loo and me staring intently into oncoming traffic. No talking, just concentrating. Hoping, just hoping that the approaching car with the curved dome is a VW.

It's. About. Ta Go. Down.



If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

* It is of the utmost importance to note that second statement: "No punch-back!"  If you don't yell it quickly enough, your neighbor will return that punch to you. NOT A GOOD THING!

** My black, 2003 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo